Off The Wall: 50 reasons why “All anime is cutesy garbage” is a crock of shit

I constantly meet people that want to like anime, but feel overwhelmed by the amount of cutesy stuff. There are a lot of cutesy anime out there, and they do form a significant portion of what anime there is, but I do not think that it is such a large chunk that it takes away from everything else.

In fact, I am quite sick and tired of hearing about it. I hate whiners. Consider this post a big “Shut up and quit whining” to anyone that says that he can’t find anything that isn’t cutesy. That person is just lazy as shit or they don’t want to admit they’re wrong. This list is 100% accurate, because I fucking hate slice-of-life “cute” anime about average high school schmoes. I hate that shit with a passion. Slice-of-life is shit.

Alternatively, you could think of this as one huge ass recommendation list that you can give to casuals.

This list is based upon my MyAnimeList profile. I will classify each one as either “cutesy shit” or “not cutesy shit.” This shit is in alphabetical order (although I will rename them to the names that people know), so there is absolutely no cherrypicking whatsoever; you know, because moe is not correlated with letters. There are some omissions, but these are to make the list less redundant; for example, I didn’t bother to include the eight Detective Conan OVAs because they’re exactly like the TV series. I also skip Death Note, because everyone and their grandmother has seen that one.

There are a shit ton of images in this post, so hopefully your internet doesn’t implode. I try to get images from the actual material, so you can get an idea as to what it looks like. As always, I try to provide sources for my images but sometimes it’s just some image hosting website or some fansubber’s website.

3658563538_6b3e454f10_o

1. 3×3 eyes

Not cutesy shit. It has a cute female main character, but so what? Blood, guts, and gratuitous violence are everywhere in this one. Shit, there was so much that I found it annoying.

AbenobashiMahouShoutengai03-YokoLon

2. Abenobashi Mahou Shoutengai

Not cutesy shit, but it’s LOLGAINAXENDING so your choice. I think it’s shit, personally.

Ai

3. Ai

Nothing Kuri Yoji has done is cutesy shit, but rather LOLDEEPARTSYSHIT.

akira-movie2

4. Akira

Not cutesy shit, but still shit.

Alien Nine 0002

Careful girls, that fucking monstrosity might eat you for dinner after it mindfucks you…

 

5. Alien Nine

Not cutesy shit, although the main characters are cute girls. It’s more like nightmare fuel with cute girls. So, it’s Evangelion.

At the end they get mindfucked by this Eldritch abomination. Fun stuff.

Blue_Submarine_No6

6. Ao no 6-nou (Blue Submarine No. 6)

Not cutesy shit, but utter shit. Crying sharks, etc. Fuck this anime.

mJXnJ

7. Arata naru Sekai: Mirai-hen

I don’t know. High school girls go time traveling to save their world from exploding or something. Is that cute?

animu.ru-aru-tabibito-no-nikki-(1024x768)-wallpaper-002

8. Aru Tabibito no Nikki

Definitely not cutesy shit.

azumanga-daioh-the-animation

9. Azumanga Daioh

Cutesy shit! Finally, after eight entries, we got one. I would say, “Read the manga,” but I think everyone has seen this one already.

baccano1

There are cute characters, though. But they kill people, so that’s OK.

 

10. Baccano!

Not cutesy shit. Only an insane person would think this.

Baka_to_Test_to_Shoukanjuu

11. Baka to Test to Shoukanjuu

Not only is it cutesy shit (Hideyoshi, etc.), but it’s also harem shit. I like it, though.

Burst-Angel1

Ridiculous outfits.

 

12. Bakuretsu Tenshi

Debatable. It’s more girls kicking ass than being cute. It’s still garbage, though.

Bamboo.Blade.full.244985

13. Bamboo Blade

Cutesy shit, but still good.

ben-to-ben-to-anime-34974819-1920-1080

14. Ben-to

Not cutesy shit. It’s about students fighting for expired food.

Big Wars 2

If you Google “Big Wars”, you’ll get a lot of naked brown women (not pictured). This movie is shit.

 

15. Big Wars

A big pile of shit, but not cutesy shit. There’s a hinting of homo-eroticism, though, after about 4 sex scenes (no it is not pornographic). It makes good heckling material, though, so watch it with friends.

Boku.wa.Tomodachi.ga.Sukunai.full.593790

Not pictured: decency.

 

16. Boku wa Tomodachi ga Sukunai

More harem shit than cutesy shit, honestly. I watch it for Yozora, and everyone has their favorite character, so I suppose this is cutesy shit.

By the way, everyone is that picture is a horrible character.

20091010_boku02

17. Boku, Otaryman

Not cutesy shit, but not very funny either.

232695

18. Candy Boy

Lesbians.

Captain-Harlock-6

19. Captain Harlock

THIS IS NOT CUTESY SHIT, IF YOU THINK THAT THEN DIE IN A FIRE. Also, this movie is not actually about Captain Harlock.

cencoroll image by yuuke

20. Cencoroll

Not cutesy shit.

banzai glorious nippon

21. Chinmoku no Kantai

Not cutesy shit, but borderline Japanese ultra nationalism. Watch Japanese people run circles around the helpless United States Navy.

code gayass

22. Code Geass and Code Geass R2

Not cutesy shit. I guess.

check out this shit

23. Computer Kakumei

Not cutesy shit. About computers and shit.

holy cow look at this shit

24. Cowboy Bebop

I can skip this one.

i googled dead leaves and i got pictures of actual dead leaves, what the fuck man

25. Dead Leaves

Not cutesy shit.

luckily googling death billiards did not return death balls

26. Death Billiards

Not cutesy shit. It’s pretty good, too.

Dennou Coil_6_3

27. Dennou Coil

I don’t know.

Denpa teki na Kanojo - BD

28. Denpa Teki na Kanojo

Cute girls, but they are fucking psycho and will not hesitate to whip out the box cutter and fuck your shit up. Not cutesy shit, I don’t care what you say.

no conan does not age so stop asking

29. Detective Conan

Not cutesy shit, unless you like little boys.

durarara is a story about a fairy that transforms into a waifu

30. Durarara!!

Not cutesy shit.

re-l is a bitch that episode where she bitches about her hair was hilarious fuck you re-l

31. Ergo Proxy

Not cutesy shit, but pretty fucking shitty regardless.

rei ayanami is my favorite character of all time she is so cute and adorable and moe i just want to hug her and cuddle with her and hold her hand i love you rei!

32. Rebuild of Evangelion

Rei Ayanami is pretty fucking moe, yo. I think Rebuild has a greater emphasis on the “cute” aspects of certain characters when compared to the original, but I think it still does not qualify as cutesy shit despite Rei being pretty damn fucking cute.

That third movie is pretty fucking gay, by the way.

this cafe is neat i wish i could go there

33. Eve no Jikan

Not cutesy shit.

34. Fate/stay night

Plain shit. This series does not deserve an image.

holy shit look at that suit saber you sexy

35. Fate/zero

Not cutesy shit. This series is also much better.

damn girl aint you cold thats russian winter

36. First Squad

Not cutesy shit, but I don’t recommend it to anyone honestly except those with Russophile tendencies.

haruhara haruko desu

37. FLCL

Not cutesy shit.

way better than the original

38. Fullmetal Alchemist

Not cutesy shit. Brotherhood is the one of the best anime ever made.

[BSS]_Genius_Party_Beyond_-_Wanwa_the_Doggy_[30B15650].mkv_snapshot_04.13_[2013.11.22_18.21.54]

39. Genius Party

Not cutesy shit.

Genius Party and Genius Party Beyond are actually bundles of animated shorts by different directors. They’re all different from each other and they are all pretty fucking out there. However, the one depicted above is called “Wanwa the Doggy” directed by Shinya Ohira and is one of my personal favorites. Another really good is called “Happy machine” directed by Masaaki Yuasa. That talented bastard.

damn santa why hunting ghosts

40. Ghost Hunt

Not cutesy shit. Is only really creepy towards the end.

wow dude you fucked up

41. Ghost in the Shell

Not cutesy shit. Kinda boring too. I think existentialism is boring.

god damn this takes me back

42. Giant Robo the Animation

One of the manliest things ever made. It has Gendo Ikari on rocket boosters punching a death machine until it explodes. Just pure manliness.

yang wenli looking at mashengo with racial intent

43. Legend of the Galactic Heroes

Manliest thing ever. Also probably the greatest anime ever made.

erwin rommel drives a stug iii

44. Girls und panzer

Cutesy shit, but it’s good. It fortunately features a fucking shit ton of tanks.

great teacher onizuka learning how to moonwalk

45. Great Teacher Onizuka

Biker gang leader becomes a high school teacher for a class of the school’s worst juvenile delinquents. I think it’s obvious what this is.

46. Hagure Yuusha no Estetica

Harem shit. Stay away. MC is an alpha that does whatever he wants, though. I also don’t feel like giving this one an image, because this series is a big pile of steaming shit.

hen-zemi

47. Hen zemi

It looks cutesy, but everyone in this show is a pervert. It’s a show about fetishes, so I think everyone looking cute makes it into a parody of sorts about sex in anime (seriously, imagine if the girls from K-ON! were talking about BDSM and eating shit because it turns them on).

-eden-of-the-east-8928769-1920-1200

I don’t know who made this image, but it’s pretty fucking sweet.

 

48. Eden of the East

This anime has some of the best cinematic timing I have ever seen. Is it cutesy shit, though? Depends on your tastes. The character designs could be considered to be “cutesy” but the subject matter is not.

49. Honoo no Tenkousei

Extremely manly. It is a parody of tough guy in high school stuff. Also, anyone that knows shit about anime will notice two references in that opening (the first one begins with “Lightning” and the second rhymes with “hoes”).

jesus christ how horrifying

50. Hoshi no Koe

Not cutesy shit. In fact, the characters are fucking hideous.

Summary

Cutesy shit: 7

Not cutesy shit: 41

I don’t know: 2

14% of this shit is cutesy shit, so not bad. If I can manage that, so can you. See what I mean when I am confused when people complain about this shit? If big eyes just turn you off, then there’s nothing I can do about that.

Sources

Images from source material:

  • 3×3 eyes
  • Abenobashi Mahou Shoutengai
  • Ai (Cassie’s Anime and Manga Blog)
  • Akira (Scifi Cool)
  • Blue Submarine No. 6
  • Arata naru Sekai: Mirai-hen
  • Aru Tabibito no Nikki
  • Big Wars
  • Captain Harlock
  • Chinmoku no Kantai
  • Computer Kakumei
  • Dead Leaves
  • Death Billiards
  • Dennou Coil
  • Denpa Teki na Kanojo
  • Ergo Proxy
  • Genius Party
  • Ghost in the Shell
  • Girls und panzer
  • Hen zemi
  • Hoshi no koe

Images from official promotional material:

  • Alien Nine
  • Azumanga Daioh
  • Baccano!
  • Baka to Test to Shoukanjuu
  • Bakuretsu Tenshi
  • Bamboo Blade (I think)
  • Boku wa Tomodachi ga Sukunai
  • Boku, Otaryman
  • Candy Boy
  • Cencoroll
  • Code Geass
  • Cowboy Bebop
  • Detective Conan
  • Durarara!!
  • Rebuild of Evangelion
  • Eve no Jikan
  • Fate/Zero
  • Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood
  • Ghost Hunt
  • Giant Robo the Animation
  • Legend of the Galactic Heroes
  • Great Teacher Onizuka

Images from fanart:

  • FLCL (I think)
  • Eden of the East
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8 thoughts on “Off The Wall: 50 reasons why “All anime is cutesy garbage” is a crock of shit

  1. alex the squid

    I have to admit that what you say about those anime’s is something I would have to agree to. I enjoyed reading your comments. I look forward to reading about other things you say 🙂

    Reply
  2. Pingback: EXTRA: Chris Stuckmann is doing anime! | The Perfect World

  3. John break

    I don’t know your definition of cutesy shit is but all most all of those animes had cutesy shit.

    Reply

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