Ultimate Girls: All I wanted was a shitty anime, but instead I cried

Ultimate Girls is one of those shitty anime you might watch as a kid, but you have no idea what it is about. All you remember is that it was weird as shit. Let’s look at the premise:

Tokyo is under attack by giant monsters, and only UFO-man can stop them! He is as big as a skyscraper, which helps when fighting monsters just as big. However, one day, a trio of girls are killed when UFO-man steps on them. After he revives them, they are then forced to grab phallic images while blushing so that they can get naked and become Power Rangers. However, the power of the Power Rangers is so great that their uniforms disintegrate until their are forced to finish the battle naked.

This doesn’t even try to be subtle. Here is a display of logic that the creators used: “She has to grab a staff, like a magical girl! Obviously the staff has to look like a giant blue penis!” Because that’s just damn obvious, you know?

This is not your average “fanservice harem” shows. No, no. It’s much, much more despicable.

ug1

“I went to art school for this shit.” – people who worked on this show

In the above image, that staff is actually the phallic-looking end of UFO-man in his “small state.” I’m going to call it his symbolic penis. He normally possesses a large body the size of Godzilla. When he accidentally kills our trio by stepping on them, he brings them back to life with his sentai space magic. Or whatever. Who knows. So, because of that, he has shrunk.

Anyway, the girls are brought back to life and now possess the ability to turn into “giants.” Of course, they can only do that for so long. Here’s the catch: the countdown is literally displayed by their clothes evaporating. In other words, their clothes start disappearing and when all of their clothes are gone, they turn back to normal size. Yayifications!

By the way, their clothes start to disappear right when the fight starts. So, right from the beginning, they are exposing themselves and getting embarrassed and all that shit. This is so high on the cultural scale that it just makes the intelligentsia in me just cry in veneration.

Let’s try a little experiment. The dialogue in this show is just terrible, but to truly drive home the point of how shameless Ultimate Girls really is let’s talk about the voice actors behind it. Who are the voice actors for UFO man and that girl there (by the way, her name is Kuharuno Silk – yeah I don’t even)? Ohhhh…. Furuya Toru and Fukuen Misato. Yeah. Just those guys…

WAIT WHAT?

Furuya Toru was the voice actor for UFO man. Let’s take a quick look at his resume:

I… I don’t even.

As for Fukuen Misato, well, not much. She was Miyafuji Yoshika (the main girl) in Strike Witches. Actually, she does seem to be quite “into” her role as Silk in Ultimate Girls. Meh. Funny enough, she was Shigumi Rika from Haganai. So, maybe she is perfect for this role!

Now, for the dialogue. This is the dialogue for the scene above: UFO-man tries to get her to grab his dong to activate her “power.” The image below is a shot from this scene. While reading this, imagine Amuro Ray saying this.

this show sucks

Riveting.

UFO-man: It was a promise. You have to listen to my request.

Silk: Yes…

UFO-man: Okay. Then, grab this.

Silk: No!

UFO-man: What do you mean “no”? Grab this tightly!

Silk: No! I can’t!

UFO-man: Not “no”! You promised, didn’t you?

Silk: But…

UFO-man: No “but”s!

Silk: though…

UFO-man: no “though”s! Hurry up and grab this!

[I cut dialogue here to make it shorter -OE]

UFO-man: We don’t have time to linger around! Silk, grab this! Please listen to the request of the benefactor of your life!

Silk: But… That is…

UFO-man: Hurry!

Silk: Understood…

[Silk then grabs UFO-man’s staff -OE]

UFO-man: I’m coming!

The innuendos are just… subtly is rarely considered a virtue, but let it be said that shamelessness is not the mark of a decent person. What the fuck? There is subtext here, however, and that is “sexual coercion”! Ask yourself, “Did he just coerce her into grabbing his symbolic penis?” Answer: Yes, he did! I just, WHAT?

So she transforms and she has to fight… sigh… that thing… (it’s actually Gomess)

that thing...

It’s just… I don’t know… sad. You know, I don’t even care if people bought this and wanted to kill themselves. Yeah, it’s bad, and people wasted their money. But, you know, the real sad part is not even about the consumer. The people that had to work on this garbage went to art school. They paid actual, real money to go to school to learn animation… and then they end up making this crap. I just… God damn it. I feel like everyone is losing out on this, including the people that made it.

About a minute later, the countdown starts and we get shots like this:

seriously

Perhaps the best animation in this entire episode was the jiggle physics of her tits and ass being released from her skin tight suit. Of course, those shots were only about a second or two long.

When all of her clothes are gone, she explodes or something and the guy falls apart I don’t know.

pic1

Ultimate Girls is just so… stupid. But I guess that’s the joke, right? It’s a parody, which means it’s supposed to be stupid. On a more positive note, this is a show that I recommend you ridicule with friends.

This anime made me cry out of sympathy for the people that made it.

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